


Will We Ever Be Happy?

by arlene28



Series: Writing Challenge One-shots [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, dean going to hell, sam jumping in the pit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 20:19:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9014026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arlene28/pseuds/arlene28
Summary: This was written as part of Lexie Carver's Supernatural Secret Santa Fic Exchange.





	

Will We Ever Be Happy?

 

“Dean, you son of a bitch! Don’t do this!” I yell from where he’s handcuffed me to a radiator.

“Sorry, Baby, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting you come with us when you’re ill. It’s practically a suicide mission as it is. Therefore, I can’t let you go there when you’re not at full health.” He says gently as he finishes making a salt circle around me.

“It’s just some nausea! I’m fine!” I yell back, trying to kick away the salt but Dean’s too intelligent to put it near me.

“Can’t risk it. I love you.” He says sadly as he walks to the door.

“I’ll never forgive you for this! I swear I hate you!” I scream as he turns the TV up loud and walks out.

I regret the words as soon as they’re out of my mouth. I don’t mean them, I’m just pissed off that he left me behind whilst he goes to confront Lilith. I’m so stupid! I should’ve told him I love him too. When he comes back I’ll prove it to him, I swear I will.   
It seems like days before the door opens again but it’s only a few hours. I grin but my face falls and I feel like my heart is being shredded when Sam walks in. One look at his face tells me all I need to know. I hear screaming and it takes me a few minutes to realise it’s ME that’s screaming in agony. Sam rushes over and undoes the cuffs, letting me punch the heel of my hands into his chest as I fight against him.   
After a while I’m too exhausted to continue to move and I just sag into Sam’s arms as I sob. He holds me for hours as we cry over Dean. He tells me what happened and that he and Bobby buried Dean instead of cremating him.

“Why? And why didn’t you come and get me before you buried him?” I gasp, pushing him away.

“He’ll need his body when we find a way to bring him back and you didn’t need to see him like that.” Sam says quietly.

“Right. Yeah. Bring him back. What’s our first step?” I ask, wiping away my tears impatiently.

“First, we take a couple of days to get our heads straight again. Second, we go to Bobby’s and look through his books.” Sam says determinedly.

I nod and take Sam’s hand so he can help me stand. As I stand the world tilts and the next thing I know, Sam is yelling my name and the world goes black.

 

 

“Another.” I call to the bartender.

“Sorry, sweetie, you’ve had enough. I’m cutting you off.” She says to me with a gentle smile.

“I’m fine, I’m barely drunk, give me another shot!” I snap at her.

“Nope. Look, Hun, whoever he is, he ain’t worth it.” She says sympathetically.

“You’re wrong. He was completely worth it. Every bit of pain was worth it just to experience his love. Now he’s gone and there’s nothing left, I have nothing left.” I sob, looking down at my empty glass.

She opens her mouth but I can’t bear to hear her condolences, her sympathy. 

“You’re right, I have drunk too much.” I mutter, standing up unsteadily.

“Shall I call you a cab?” She asks softly.

“Nah, I’m fine.” I reply off-handedly.

I walk outside before she can say anything else. I wander back to my motel room, looking at the ground the whole way. I miss Dean. I alternate between loving him and wanting him back and hating him and wanting to kick his ass. I understand why he chose to sell his soul but I hate that he didn’t care about me enough to stay with me. It makes me feel selfish, wanting Dean to care about me more than Sam, but I do want that. I want to go back and have Dean decide to let Sam go and I hate myself for that wish. Sam, Bobby and I tried everything to bring Dean back but nothing worked. Now Bobby has moved on, Sam is off living his own life but I’m stuck. Stuck hating Dean and hating myself for my own thoughts. Stuck loving someone who is no longer here with all my heart. I want it all to end but I can’t seem to allow it to. I go from place to place, hunting monsters without really caring if I survive each encounter but I always do.   
I walk into my motel room and I’m grabbed from behind as the door shuts behind me. I fight back against my attacker but it’s only a half-hearted attempt. It’s not long before I’m pinned down on my face on the floor, a body straddling my back, and I don’t even care that I’m about to die. I’m shocked as I’m released and the body is off me.

“Sloppy, Sweetheart.” I hear from above me.

I feel a shiver go down my spine at that voice. That husky, sensual voice. Dean’s voice. I feel rage flood me at the fact that some low life monster has taken his shape and come after me. My vision goes red and I’m not even aware of what I’m doing as I lunge at the imposter. I hear screaming and realise that it’s coming from me. He dodges and avoids but doesn’t try to hit me back, didn’t even hurt me when he attacked me, but it doesn’t register right now. All my grief, anger and agony is coming out. I’m suddenly grabbed from behind, wrapped in strong arms and held away from the monster. I cry out in anguish and continue to try to attack the fake Dean.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s Dean, it’s really Dean.” Sam says softly into my ear, making me calm down and go limp in his arms.

“Sweetheart, look.” Dean says, looking terrified.

He grabs my bottle of holy water and douses himself with it and then he slices his arm with my silver knife. 

“It’s really me.” He states softly.

Sam releases me slowly and all I can do is stare at Dean in shock. Dean looks so scared and worried about me, it’s almost comical. 

“How?” I ask numbly.

“We don’t know. Yet.” Sam answers me.

I nod my head and then swallow passed my dry throat.

“Well, good luck with that. Now, leave.” I state calmly.

“Sweetheart, you don’t mean that.” Dean gasps, looking panicked.

“Yes, I do. You left me and now I have to learn to live without you. So, go.” I say, shock making me numb.

“Sweet…” Dean begins, stepping towards me.

“I need a shower. You better be gone by the time I come out.” I state, heading into the bathroom and locking the door.

I strip off and turn the shower on. As soon as the warm water hits me, my tears come. I curl up in the bottom of the tub and sob into my knees. I should be happy that Dean’s back, I am happy that he’s back, but the last four months have been such a rollercoaster that I need time on my own to digest that he’s alive. I finally let all my pent-up emotions out and now I must figure out how to deal with them. I can’t have Dean around as I deal with the guilt I feel. The guilt for the last words I said to him before he got dragged to Hell. The guilt for being selfish enough to wish Dean had allowed Sam to die, to stay dead.   
By the time I drag myself from the shower, the guys have left my room but I see the Impala is still parked in the lot. Dean isn’t going to leave me so easily this time. I grab my stuff, throw it in my bag and then sneak out the bathroom window at the back of the building. I disappear into the night, wondering if I’ll ever feel strong enough to see Dean again and if he’ll ever be able to forgive me for running away.

 

 

“What’s up, Bobby?” I sigh into my phone.

It’s been a year since I slipped out of that motel room. Every time I changed my number, Bobby used his contacts to find out where I was so I eventually gave up trying to hide from him. All I demanded from him was that he didn’t tell Dean my number or where I was. I still think about Dean every day, managed to deal with all my emotions from before, but I got out of the life. I’m now a happy nursery assistant and I don’t ever want to go back.

“It’s…Sam.” Bobby says, sounding like he’s holding back tears.

My whole body freezes as I hear his tone. The only other time he’s ever sounded this terrible was when Dean was dragged to Hell. Dean.

“What happened?” I whisper, both needing to know and not wanting to know.

“Sam said yes to Lucifer and then jumped into the pit to save Dean.” Bobby says quietly.

“Where is he?” I ask, worried about what Dean will do.

Bobby gives me the name and address of the motel Dean is staying at, knowing straight away that that was what I wanted. I hang up, get in my car and drive. I don’t think about what I’m doing. I don’t spare a thought of what I’m leaving behind. All I know is that Dean is suffering and I need to get to him. I need to get to him before he self-destructs and does something stupid.  
Hours later, I pull up outside a crappy motel in the middle of nowhere. I spot the Impala straight away and walk up to the door of the room it’s parked outside of. I freeze as I lift my hand to knock. In my rush to get to Dean I never thought about whether Dean would want me here. What if he hates me for leaving him? What if he can’t forgive me? What if he turns me away?

“Dean!” I gasp fearfully, as the door swings open without me knocking.

We look at each other for a few seconds that feel like hours. I wait to see his reaction, ready to beg him to let me stay if I have to. He suddenly throws himself at me, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I shift uncomfortably as my arm is squashed between our bodies and I realise I never put my hand down after I was going to knock. He pulls me into the room and shuts the door behind us.

“Dean, I’m sorry.” I whisper as he pulls away slightly to look at me.

“Sam. He’s…gone. I couldn’t protect him.” Dean says sadly, eyes brimming with tears.

“It’s not your fault, Dean.” I state simply, wishing I could just take his pain away.

“I failed!” He cries, a single tear falling down his cheek.

My heart breaks for him and I hold him tight, feeling his shoulders shake as he finally breaks down and cries. I just hold him until his tears run out.

“Have you eaten?” I ask softly, pulling him to sit on the end of the bed.

“Not hungry.” He mutters.

I look around the room and see all the empty alcohol bottles.

“You still need to eat.” I say softly.

He just nods.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes.” I state, standing up.

I yelp as my wrist is grabbed, holding me in place.

“Don’t leave.” Dean pleads, fear in his eyes.

“I’m not going to. I swear, I’m here to stay.” I say gently.

He releases me reluctantly and I go to the vending machine, grabbing his favourite snacks and then return to the room. I see him sigh in relief as I walk in and I feel a stab of guilt in my heart. I put all the snacks on the table and look at him.

“In the morning, I’ll take you to the diner down the road. Supposed to be the best pie in the world.” I smile.

Dean nods at me but I can see he’s exhausted. I strip down to my underwear and then climb onto the bed. Dean watches me closely and then strips down too. He lays next to me and wraps his arm around me, holding me close. 

“He made me promise to have a normal life.” Dean whispers to me. 

“Then I’ll help you do that.” I whisper back, not wanting to ruin the comforting atmosphere.

“I love you.” He says, sounding scared.

“I love you too, Dean. I always have. I’m so sorry that I told you I hated you before you left to fight Lilith. I’m sorry I ran away. I’m so so sorry!” I gasp, bursting into tears.

“It’s okay.” He smiles and I know he means it.

We hold each other tightly and as he falls asleep, I vow I’ll never leave him again. Maybe we can beat the odds and actually be happy but even if our life is hard, I’ll always be here for him and I know I’ll be the most loved woman on the planet.


End file.
